Hi Rikki,

I saw you on tiktok, I’m not sure if you’ll see my message but I was wondering if I could get advice from you since you’re more experienced. I’m 20 and my ex is 24, we just broke up about 2 weeks ago after almost 4 years with each other.

We’ve had a lot of obstacles throughout these years and honestly he’s caused a lot of hurt and pain to me. He’s cheated on my by messaging other girls on a dating app, he’s flirted with a handful of my teammates, he followed a lot of girls that I felt uncomfortable with. I think you can get the picture. But regardless of the pain he’s caused, I was always there for him and still am in love with him. Mind you, this all happened about 2 years ago but it does affect me from time to time.

I’m a pretty laid back girlfriend and i honestly don’t think i “ask” for much from him. The reason we broke up was I felt like I was receiving the bare minimum and he acknowledged it and apologized.

But it’s not that it happened once and we couldn’t work through it, this has been happening slowly over time. He used to put a lot more effort into us and then it kinda just became dull on his end. For example, I recently moved to a different city because I transferred universities and we’ve been doing 8 hrs of long distance. The last 4-5 months that he knew he had left of me to see me all the time, he didn’t appreciate it and we barely saw each other at all because video games and bars were more important to him. He has told me in the past month that he regretted it but there’s no going back in time.

He always talks about marrying me and being with me forever but if he wanted those things to happen, wouldn’t he change ? I’m not flawless or perfect but I know I love him and I definitely show it with my actions. It breaks my heart that he has no drive for himself and that he’d rather push me away than want to fix us for the better.
I guess my question is do I wait for him to “change”? or do I give him space and freedom to come back to me himself ? how do i move along with life until he wants to reach back out? it’s painful.

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Hey girl,
I can imagine how heartbreaking and hard this would feel. I’ve been there!
One thing I’ve learned is that people don’t change unless THEY want to. And in most cases people don’t change – they are who they are.
When I coach my clients I ask them to look at the person in front of you, exactly as they are. And you either accept them as is and move forward or you let them go so they can find their own way, knowing that they may never come back.
I think the best thing for you to do is focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy and bring you joy. Spend time with friends and family – people who build you up. Start to work on the things you can control – YOURSELF! Your own healing. Your own goals. The things that make you happy.
Letting go isn’t easy but you will learn and grow so much from this experience!
Sending you love,
Rikki ❤️